I took a step back from this because I needed to take a step back from a few things in my life. We all have limited engery to perform tasks at hand and I rid myself of uncessary tasks for a while. What’s been happening? Well, last year kind of sucked.
I ened a year+ relationship because I wasn’t being treated with the respect I deserve. I ended a close friendship because it was toxic. I turned 30 and my family came down to celebrate (that was legitimately great). Except, my friends really didn’t show up for me during my actual birthday. I had a really difficult summer as far as my mental health goes. I was greiving relationships and dealing with my summer SAD (at least I think it is because I haven’t been to a therapist in a while, and I know, I should go back…). I thought I found some light at the end of the year with a prospective new beau, and that turned out to be merely a hope.
2019 was brought in with a lot of anger, honestly. And frustration. The world we live in makes me angry most days. I just want to exist without an old white dude telling me what I can and cannot do. I don’t know why it is that difficult for them to shut the hell up. Then, by Valentine’s Day I was really truly over men. I’m 30 and I have had maybe 2 decent Valentine’s Days as an adult because men are idiots. If sexual orientation was a choice, you bet your ass I would know because I would choose to leave men the fuck alone. (It’s not a choice. We are born the way we are and we just love who we love. #pride and I love the gays.)
Oof. I almost forgot the OBVIOUS cover competition. Yo, my anxiety was running at Level 100 from December to March. That could be why I was so angry coming into 2019. Meh. I thought I was prepared and healthy enough to handle an online compeition but I was wrong. It was everything I could do to make it through. Advice: if you live with mental illness that involves anxiety and/or self-doubt, do not participate in online contests that are based around what you look like. Obviously, I won the competition because y’all have seen me post all the shit about it. I worked fucking hard for that win and I’m still celebrating. Note, I haven’t received my mags yet, so the celebrating isn’t done yet, either.
So, we are in June and halfway done with 2019. I’m still not happy with it, but life and time keep moving so whatever. Feed me and tell me I’m pretty. Also throw in some weed and I’ll get there. I did buy a timeshare with one of my good friends. We are nuts but I am looking forward to some sunshiney days in sunny San Diego by the pool. Also travelling. We have a few trips we need to plan, and we are looking forward to it. (San Fran and New York are top on the list.)
I will be 31 this year and I have a cute apartment, a nice car, food in my fridge, a stable job I like and I am good at, a 401(k), health insurance, a great relationship with my family, friends I can count on, a timeshare, and a great hobby that allows me to connect and create. Life isn’t terrible by any means, but that doesn’t mean that during our strive for betterment we aren’t allowed to be frustrated and disappointed in what happens around us. Everyone’s struggles are valid and everyone’s successes are, too. Through all the obstacels and heartahce and hurt I have experienced in 2018 (and most of 2019), I haven’t forgot the good in my life. I mean, my anxiety likes the ignore it, but that’s what weed is for, right?