Genderfluid

June is Pride Month and I figured since 2020 is so shitty, I might as well tell the world what I’ve been working on for a few years. 

I’m genderfluid! Genderfluid is having a gender identity outside of the binary; female, male, agender (no gender), and/or all genders is where I live at any given day or hour. Some days I feel very much like a woman and express myself in a traditionally feminine wardrobe. Other days I feel like dude, a man, a Zaddy if you will. Those days I typically play up my masculinity. Then there are the days (months) that I feel like a fucking alien, no gender (re: my bleached brow phases). And I think one of my favorite expressions is when I feel like *all* the genders; it’s when you see a lot of femininity mixed with masculine in my fashion choices. It’s the best of all worlds and lets me just play and exist however I want. 

For a long time, I fought internally over how I could be ~*straight*~ and genderfluid. It’s easy, your sexuality and your gender identity and your gender expression are all different things. I’m straight because my sexual preferences are dudes (pray for me) and I’m not a dude. My gender is fluid, not my sexuality. I’ve questioned my sexuality because of my gender and that was fucking weird. It didn’t feel right at all. But that voice in my head was like “yOu CaNt Be GeNdErFlUiD aNd StRaIgHt” but you can. Just like you can be genderfluid and a lesbian, or genderfluid and pan, or genderfluid and bi, or genderfluid and asexual...the list goes on.

Yes, I have been thinking about this for a long time.

Yes, the pressure of presenting hyper-femme as a fat person really fucked with shit.

Yes, I had to do the work for myself around gender and fatness to get to a place where I could even start to think about figuring out how I actually feel.

Yes, growing up in a binary world in rural America was a lot of pressure to be feminine, especially being in a fat body. I didn’t really start to question my gender until my late-20s, but that was also when I started unpacking my childhood traumas and undiagnosed anxiety disorder. When I started to do the work instead of run from it, things changed for me.

Yes, I still use she/her pronouns. I also use they/them, and I haven’t ever used he/him, but that day might come? I’m not sure. Honestly, letting myself just exist is really fucking freeing. I spent a lot of years trying to be in a box of what I should be - even when I was saying “fuck the system” there was a lot of performative things going on in order to be noticed because I felt like I had to conform to certain standards of femininity and womanhood in order to be taken seriously in public and in my fat and fashion communities. That was a lot. Go back and read that last sentence again.

Being a single, straight, genderfluid adult approaching 32 is fucking weird, yo. I don’t have the answers but I can tell you that if you do the work you need to surrounding who you truly are and who you want to be, you will be happier with yourself than ever thought possible. If you have any questions, or want to reach out, or want to chat about my gender identity and how it has changed over the years, send me an email or a DM on IG. Let’s chat. Seriously.

Skin Care in my 30s

Disclaimer: I have not been paid to advertise any of the below.  I am not making money if you click a link. Nothing below has been gifted. This is because I have found things that work.

I have combo skin, with a dry T-zone, I get hormonal cystic acne now on my period along my jawline, and I do not wear makeup on a daily basis (its a special occasion thing for me). Also, I only use cruelty-free products, so the good news is that a lot of what I buy is also vegan.

I wrote one of these blog posts in 2018 but GUESS WHAT I’m in my 30s now and things have changed. I have mild rosacea and redness that keeps getting worse. I now have hormonal cystic acne on my jawline that came out of nowhere. My T-zone is still dry (especially around my smile lines/mouth???). Now I’m getting more pimples between my eyes than ever before. It’s weird, yo.

Here is what I do morning and night, and the links to the products I use. I have used all the brand websites as product links, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find them at your fav skincare/cosmetics/multi-brand retailer, as well.

Morning

Cleanser

Deadwood Whipped Cleansing Cream (with Activated Charcoal)

I found this Etsy shop while looking for black woman-owned skincare lines. This cleanser is fantastic! I absolutely love it for daily use (typically in the shower). Take the back of your fingernail and scoop out a thumb-nail sized dollop and work into a light foam using circles on your face. I like to make sure I get my hairline really well and under my jaw/neck.

Toner

I don’t use one in the morning. Shhh.

Hydration

You can use a serum, or a face mist at this step. Depending on how my skin feels I will use different things.

Supergoop City Sunscreen Serum

I don’t give two fucks about “anti-aging” anything. But, I do like the way this feels and wears. It is super lightweight and gives you the sunscreen you NEED in the morning. It is a good way to get yummy vitamins to your skin and SPF.

Derma E Skin De-Stress Calming CBD Serum

Y’all know I’m a pot head/stoner/weed baby. CBD is great and it really does help calm the skin. I also use this sister CBD cleanser at night. See below.

Mario Badescu Facial Sprays

Any of these facial sprays give you a boost of moisture and are affordable. If you don’t like to put a serum on, this is a good option to hydrate without another cream.

Herbivore Rose Hibiscus Hydrating Face Mist

The spray top on these bottles is magic and I don’t know how else to explain it. This is a great option if you want to spend a little more money than on MB.

Eye Cream

Mario Badescu Hyaluronic Eye Cream

Just use eye cream. Just do it. Pick one you like and that you can afford. The skin around your eyes is different than the skin otherwise on your face. I like this one because it isn’t sticky or gloopy. It goes on nice and doesn’t take a lot.

Special Treatments

The Ordinary Azelaic Acid Suspension 10%

If you have acne issues - especially hormonal - buy this. It is awesome. That’s all.

Hydrate

Supergoop Superscreen Daily Moisturizer

A little goes a long way. This is great stuff. I hit the dry parts of my face first, and then sweep out with my fingers.

If you really feel like a moisturizer here is TOO MUCH (hey, it happens and that’s ok), try another layer of your facial hydration mists.

Mario Badescu Facial Sprays

Any of these facial sprays give you a boost of moisture and are affordable. If you don’t like to put a serum on, this is a good option to hydrate without another cream.

Herbivore Rose Hibiscus Hydrating Face Mist

The spray top on these bottles is magic and I don’t know how else to explain it. This is a great option if you want to spend a little more money than on MB.

Oil

(My Beauty Spot) Help Plus Hemp Seed & Rose Hip Facial Oil

It smells good and my face really likes hemp seed oil. I think you will like it too, but it definitely smells like roses. Use just a few drops to start. Use more if you feel like you need more. I screwed up when I first started using oil; I thought it was an alternative to moisturizer, but I learned it is not. Think of your face oil as your setting spray after you finish your makeup. It holds everything in place.

Sunscreen

This is the topper step if your other products didn’t have SPF, or if you have a sunscreen that you want to use separately.

Supergoop Defense Refresh (Re)setting Mist

I use this over my makeup AND just to top off my skincare if I am not wearing makeup that day. They also just reworked this product that made it go from SPF 50 to SPF 40 but everyone really loves it still.

Night

Cleanser

Derma E Skin De-Stress Calming CBD Cleanser

I think this is a great price for a CBD product, and I really like that it does what it is supposed to do. I feel clean after without anything extra added.

Toner

Special Cucumber Lotion

I have started using a toner now that it is getting warmer and we are wearing masks all day. I find my smile lines are breaking out more than normal, so I am using this toner on a cotton pad to wipe off things the cleanser may have missed. I promise this is not the lotion you think it is.

Mask

I rotate these because I don’t want to use a resurfacing mask (AKA chemical peel) every day. Also, blue tansy is supposed to be a miracle ingredient in reducing redness.

Herbivore Blue Tansy Resurfacing Mask

I love a good mask that dries and makes you feel like your whole face is stone. You think I am joking, but I am not. It dries and it is all tight and then, add water and BOOM, new face. Ok, not entirely new but your skin is poppin. It kind of looks like movie prop snot, and smells like Outside.

Sunday Riley Blue Moon Clean Rinse Cleansing Balm

This stuff is AWESOME! Like, not even joking, every person should own this and use this multiple times a week. Here is why: it’s like a spa in a jar. The balm is grainy when you first put it on but as you massage and work down those beads, they melt. THEY. MELT. So you end up with this beautiful creamy balm all over your face. It is luscious.

Hydration

You can use a serum, or a face mist at this step. Depending on how my skin feels I will use different things.

Derma E Skin De-Stress Calming CBD Serum

If I want a little extra ~calm~ then I will use this, but if not, I will just use a facial mist.

Mario Badescu Facial Sprays

Any of these facial sprays give you a boost of moisture and are affordable. If you don’t like to put a serum on, this is a good option to hydrate without another cream. Note: don’t use vitamin C and retinol at the same time. If you do, you need to wait like 20 mins between applying he vitamin C and retinol so that they can actually work the way they are supposed to. The Lavender face mist by MB has vitamin C and I use that in the morning, but the below mist at night.

Herbivore Rose Hibiscus Hydrating Face Mist

The spray top on these bottles is magic and I don’t know how else to explain it. This is a great option if you want to spend a little more money than on MB.

Eye Cream

Mario Badescu Hyaluronic Eye Cream

This is the same cream that I use in the morning. Same process.

Special Treatments

The Ordinary Azelaic Acid Suspension 10%

Same stuff as in the morning. I use it in the evenings when I feel like I need some extra boost in the acne prevention department.

Hydrate

Mario Badescu Facial Sprays

I really prefer to use a facial mist in the evening before I put on my sleeping oil. That’s just me and some skincare gurus are probably going to be big mad I said this, but I don’t care. Note: don’t use vitamin C and retinol at the same time. If you do, you need to wait like 20 mins between applying he vitamin C and retinol so that they can actually work the way they are supposed to. The Lavender face mist by MB has vitamin C and I use that in the morning, but the below mist at night.

Herbivore Rose Hibiscus Hydrating Face Mist

The spray top on these bottles is magic and I don’t know how else to explain it. This is a great option if you want to spend a little more money than on MB.

Retinol —> Oil

Sunday Riley Luna Sleeping Oil

My night oil has retinol in it, so my Retinol and Oil steps are one and the same. I love this oil, but it is heavy. It is the star of the show in the evenings. It is a beautiful dark blue/green because of the Blue Tansy in it. It is kind of on the expensive side of things, but I love it and I feel like it is worth the splurge.

Ok, y’all. That’s what I use on my face. Some things to remember are I don’t have oily skin or dry skin, but I do have combo skin; I try to use ingredients that help decrease redness; I only buy cruelty-free; I am in my 30s so I have 30-year-old skin; I do not wear makeup every day so I don’t have any recommendations for makeup remover other than a microfiber towel; I live alone and my entire bathroom is for me and my shit. Have fun, be safe, wear sunscreen, fuck the patriarchy.

Mercury Retrograde

Yo. This one was ROUGH. But I did some reflection and self esteem boosting. Sometimes we forget how great our lives are because people have what we don’t. Just because someone has something you don’t doesn’t negate the awesome things we do have. 

I made a simple list of all the things I provide for myself and that list was lonnnngggggg. Longer than I assumed it would be. It made me realize that there’s no time in our lives to just be complacent with what comes along. Want to see it? Here it is:

• I have a great job that I’m really good at.

• I have a 401(k).

• I have health insurance.

• I own a nice car.

• I have a cute little apartment that is 7 blocks from the beach.

• I pay my own bills.

• I own a timeshare.

• I have a credit score of over 700.

• I have fabulous hobbies - one of which is modeling.

• I talk to my family basically daily (they live 1200 miles away).

• I have a nephew who thinks I’m the “cool aunt.”

• I like dying my hair Rainbow colors so I do it often.

• I avoid drama.

• I love food.

• I’m big into home decor and decorating.

• I can use power tools.

• I’m educated in music theory and digital media production, as well as marketing and branding.

• I am a bit of a sneaker head.

• I bought the most comfortable bed last year as a 30th birthday present to myself.

If you’re a single person who is into men, like me, do not let these fools come into your lives and fuck your shit up. You are too damn wonderful to let a crusty ass man get you down. Fuck that. 

If you’re a single person living on their own, LOOK AT YOU. Buy yourself a nice plush robe. Get that crockpot. Yes your living room would look bomb with that coffee table. Don’t wait for “something better;” live your best life in your current life. 

If you’re working a 9-5 but want something more, don’t forget about it. You’ll get there. You don’t have to give up everything for your dream all at once. You don’t have to *hustle* all the damn time either. Go your own pace and be confident in your movements. Take care of you. 

If you have mental illness, DONT LISTEN TO THESE IGNORANT BITCHES TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW TO BE. If someone has never lived with it, they do not know. They need to shut their mouth holes and let you live. You get the help you need from professionals and take care of you. If people in your life make you feel less than because of your mental health, FUCK. THEM. You don’t need that negativity and ableism in your life. 

Getting Back

I took a step back from this because I needed to take a step back from a few things in my life. We all have limited engery to perform tasks at hand and I rid myself of uncessary tasks for a while. What’s been happening? Well, last year kind of sucked.

I ened a year+ relationship because I wasn’t being treated with the respect I deserve. I ended a close friendship because it was toxic. I turned 30 and my family came down to celebrate (that was legitimately great). Except, my friends really didn’t show up for me during my actual birthday. I had a really difficult summer as far as my mental health goes. I was greiving relationships and dealing with my summer SAD (at least I think it is because I haven’t been to a therapist in a while, and I know, I should go back…). I thought I found some light at the end of the year with a prospective new beau, and that turned out to be merely a hope.

2019 was brought in with a lot of anger, honestly. And frustration. The world we live in makes me angry most days. I just want to exist without an old white dude telling me what I can and cannot do. I don’t know why it is that difficult for them to shut the hell up. Then, by Valentine’s Day I was really truly over men. I’m 30 and I have had maybe 2 decent Valentine’s Days as an adult because men are idiots. If sexual orientation was a choice, you bet your ass I would know because I would choose to leave men the fuck alone. (It’s not a choice. We are born the way we are and we just love who we love. #pride and I love the gays.)

Oof. I almost forgot the OBVIOUS cover competition. Yo, my anxiety was running at Level 100 from December to March. That could be why I was so angry coming into 2019. Meh. I thought I was prepared and healthy enough to handle an online compeition but I was wrong. It was everything I could do to make it through. Advice: if you live with mental illness that involves anxiety and/or self-doubt, do not participate in online contests that are based around what you look like. Obviously, I won the competition because y’all have seen me post all the shit about it. I worked fucking hard for that win and I’m still celebrating. Note, I haven’t received my mags yet, so the celebrating isn’t done yet, either.

So, we are in June and halfway done with 2019. I’m still not happy with it, but life and time keep moving so whatever. Feed me and tell me I’m pretty. Also throw in some weed and I’ll get there. I did buy a timeshare with one of my good friends. We are nuts but I am looking forward to some sunshiney days in sunny San Diego by the pool. Also travelling. We have a few trips we need to plan, and we are looking forward to it. (San Fran and New York are top on the list.)

I will be 31 this year and I have a cute apartment, a nice car, food in my fridge, a stable job I like and I am good at, a 401(k), health insurance, a great relationship with my family, friends I can count on, a timeshare, and a great hobby that allows me to connect and create. Life isn’t terrible by any means, but that doesn’t mean that during our strive for betterment we aren’t allowed to be frustrated and disappointed in what happens around us. Everyone’s struggles are valid and everyone’s successes are, too. Through all the obstacels and heartahce and hurt I have experienced in 2018 (and most of 2019), I haven’t forgot the good in my life. I mean, my anxiety likes the ignore it, but that’s what weed is for, right?

A Break

Sometimes time gets the best of us. Personally, May-July are really hard months for me. Traumatic events and loss of loved ones come back around each year. Each year I feel like I handle it better than the previous but, it’s all relative, right? 

This year was hard. I made it through. I’m feeling the weight of the trauma recede. August brought my birthday and this year is my 30th. Yes, I am 30 years old. I feel like something big needs to happen in my life. I’m not sure what it is yet. I have been making small changes in hopes of them being catalysts. 

One small change is my hair style. Friday night, I buzzed my head. Technically, my friend Blaine did it (he’s a hairstylist so no worries). All of the hair from the top of my head - gone.  

And now you’re the first to see it. 

The Bad With The Good

Everyone says we have to “take the good with the bad” but shouldn’t it be “the bad with the good”?

Well, I do. At least I try. That’s when my car died this month, I had to figure it out. I took a day overcome with anxiety about my car, my transportation, my job, and my apartment paid for my job.  Then, with help from my mother, got some shit together and started my car search. 

I somehow submitted my information for a Silverado (not my car of choice) online and Betty at Harbor Chevrolet called me. The next day I was there for a test drive.  The car I went for had been sold but Betty had a 2011 Sonata for me instead.  I did some papaerwork and called the parents to make a game plan. Monday I was to find out if my car was actually dead or if I could help her gimp along for a while. She was dead. 

Monday evening I was there at Harbor Chevrolet (and Hyundai) signing papers for my new partner in crime. Her name is Nadia and she’s a sassy, quick, fancy bitch. We are in this together because she’s gotta help me get to work and I’ve got to keep her running. Just her and me. 

Also, I bought a bed right before I knew I needed a down-payment on a car. But holy shit, Nectar makes an amazing mattress and I’m not getting paid for this. It truly is fantastic. 

Nadia and Nectar are making my life magic right now.  

#sturdythirty

I’ll be 30 this year. So there’s that.  

Am I worried? No. Am I freaking out? No.  

Is it weird? Yes. Very much so.  

It means I’ve spent over a decade as an “adult.” It means I’m no longer able to use “young and stupid” as an excuse. It means that society expects me to have my shit together. It means I'm hitting a road marker that is traditionally seen as the beginning of the end. 

I’m ready, I think. It’s not like I’m magically going to turn into an old lady or that my biological clock is going to kick in as soon as the clock strikes midnight on my birthday. (Like, if that hasn’t happened already, I’m not expecting it to.) I’ve been working on me throughout 28/29 so 30 should be no different.  

I see my friends and family over the age of 30 and if they survived, I sure as hell will.  

Valentine’s Day

Stop beating yourself up over this day. It’s the 14th of February and does not have to hold any significance.  

I was in a store today and overheard a conversation about how these middle aged people didn’t know that it falls on the 14th every year; one said “it’s usually a Thursday.” So, if these people can’t be bothered to learn what day Valentine’s Day is then you shouldn’t be bothered by it either. 

If you do have someone, don’t feel obligated to spend a ridiculous amount of money to prove anything to anyone. A cute gesture should be enough. If it’s not, find yourself a different partner.  

Enjoy the day, and eat the candy. Punch people who pinch you for not wearing red. And take advantage of the lingerie sales because everyone deserves more lingerie always.